In the future we'll all be gay
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
