My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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