u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
