worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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