My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
