I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize