Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
