I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
