if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
