i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
