3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
