Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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