Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
