Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
