The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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