you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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