I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
