Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
