so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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