I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
