We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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