He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Of course I have a pirate flag
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
