Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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