in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
