I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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