hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
