I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
