I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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