she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize