My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize