smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
