I'm so fucking centered right now
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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