I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
