I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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