he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize