I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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