Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need a beard to bite.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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