So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
