I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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