I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
