i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
