I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
