george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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