I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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