I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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