it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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