I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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