I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize