i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
