time to smoke my breakfast
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize