turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
