Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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