if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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