i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
