true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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