Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I skipped work to stalk him.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
